The Carr Report: Nice to look at …but he’s not trying to marry you

by Damon Carr
When you gain expert level knowledge or skill over a particular subject or talent, many people mistakenly think that you’re an expert on everything. I get tons of relationship questions from single women that are family and friends. In fact, I might get more relationship questions from female family and friends than I get financial questions. A large percentage of my Financial Planning Clients are single women. Personal Finance is more personal than it is finance. As a result, I expect to discuss life topics in a financial planning session. There have been times when a financial planning session was so heavily focused on relational matters, I’ll walk away from the meeting wondering if I was hired to be their Financial Advisor or their friend.

Working with several single females over the years, I’ve observed a commonality. Many women that are doing exceedingly well financially are single, no kids, or empty nesters. Yep, no man, no babies or having a child who is grown and out of the house allows women to focus — keeping her mind on her money and her money on her mind. I’ve worked with a decent number of single women with no child rearing responsibility who had amassed a $500,000 net worth or higher.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’ve talked to countless single women who are family, friends, and clients — many of whom feel that men have been the reason for their financial demise. I’ve heard several stories where a female cosigned for her man on various loans. He didn’t pay. Now her credit is messed up. I’ve heard stories about some men pretending to have a job – getting up and getting dressed to go to work every day. No job, no income to contribute to the household. I’ve heard stories about men who stole money from their woman. I’ve heard stories of men exerting physical abuse over women in an effort to control her purse strings. I’ve heard of stories of men promising their women the sun, the rain, the moon, the stars, the mountains, the world and all that they wish for and more – only to leave them barefoot and pregnant or childrearing and broke.
Bringing comic relief to some very painful experiences these women have endured, I have a scripted response that always gets a laugh, “where did you find this dude, Cell-Block D” (Jail)?

Ladies, it’s better to avoid certain situations. You don’t want to get seriously involved with anyone or anything that leads to nowhere. Common responses I hear from women when I asked where did you find this dude? “I attract deadbeats.” “I’m a magnet for good for nothing guys,” or “married men always try to talk to me.”
Well over 20-years ago, I recall sitting in on a lecture. The speaker said, in his day he could go downtown and instantly be able to tell the difference between a teacher and a prostitute. Today when I go downtown, I can’t tell the difference. Yet the prostitute has not changed her style of dress. As a young man, my friends and I spoke in code on several topics. Only we knew what each other was talking about. I recall going back home for the weekend. I went over to my friend’s house. There was a young woman there whom I never met. She was eye-candy. Rick James definition of a “Brick House”. I kept my cool and didn’t allow my eyes to pop out of socket. As my friend, he knew what I was thinking. He asked, are you still into real estate? I responded yeah. He said, “I’ve been looking at some houses. I saw this one house. It was nice. Mad curb appeal but the lights are not on.” Not even knowing, right in front of this young lady, he’s given me his assessment of her. Nice to look at, but she’s lacking somewhere. It could be no conversation, no work ethic, no goals, and no drive.

Most men know almost instantly if this is a woman that we want to “have fun with” or “build with.” As a woman, you have to be aware of what you put out there for what you put out is what you attract. If your preferred style of dress is being scantily clad, you can’t expect a man to be attracted to your mind. He was attracted to your body, not your thoughts.

As a woman, who is seeking a decent man, you have to ask yourself questions. Why is it that I’m attracting uninspiring men? Why am I attracted to bad guys? Where am I meeting these guys? How am I projecting myself? Am I coming across as thirsty for a man? Why don’t I flee when I see the red flags? The answers to these questions will help mitigate bad situations and allow you to attract quality men.

Guys – we have to do our part. Stop giving women empty promises. Be honest with them. Tell them where you stand. This will allow a woman to decide if she wants to continue or not. Being honest will help you avoid drama associated with a broken heart. This will give her the foresight to guard her heart and unfortunately for you – guard her wallet too.

We’re living in different times. Gone are the days where quality men are looking for trophy wives. Gone are the days where a woman can depend on a man to take care of them. Gone are the days where grown men and women are seeking to take care of or provide financially for other grown men and women. Both men and women are looking for partners whom they can build with. A big butt and a smile isn’t enough. A Wide, V shaped back and chiseled abs isn’t enough. You have to bring something to the table – money, drive, intellect, and skill – something!

(Damon Carr, Money Coach can be reached at 412-216-1013 or visit his website at


From the Web