“Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding space,” American author Zora Neale Hurston once said.
Black love has stood the turbulent test of time. From slavery trauma to the Reconstruction Era, from Jim Crow to the 21st century hardships of today, Black love is still championed and celebrated through the generations, but progress comes at what cost and to what gain?
American author Ta-Nehisi Coates said that Black women and men have thankfully overcome a lot of stereotypes surrounding their relationships but there is still a ways to go.
“The crude communal myth about Black men is that we are in some manner unavailable to Black women—either jailed, dead, gay or married to white women,” Coates said.
Even during slavery, Black men and Black women were inevitably torn apart, both their relationships and their families, as enslaved Black people were unable to legally marry in the American colonies or states, according to www. http://nationalhumanitiescenter.org/.
Black people then were treated like property and commodities, not individuals who could enter into a legal contract like marriage until the ending of slavery in America in 1865.
In present day, though now marrying for more than 150 years, some challenges remain in protecting, and honoring, Black love.
“Keeping African Americans in their ‘proper’ place … involves excluding traditional Black households from the nation’s family portrait. The quintessential American family is always assumed to be white and middle class, no matter how often white people prove to be less than committed to that model… .And this is the case even as the United States provides white people with resources like safety—not having to fear that police officers or civilians will kill their loved ones without consequence,” author Koritha Mitchell noted in an article on Black love.
Despite attempts to intentionally diminish the presence of a Black couple – one of the many pillars in the Black community – Black love keeps on going.
Detroit resident Durene Elem-Vaughn is celebrating nearly 30 years of marriage to her husband Eric Vaughn.
Elem-Vaughn told the Michigan Chronicle that in September it would be 29 years of marriage, which she said has stood the test of time.
“Black love is a learning process,” she said. “You have to love each other through everything.”
Elem-Vaughn and her husband are in good company – and that company keeps growing.
According to https://www.statista.com/, in 2020, there were about 4.76 million Black married-couple families living in the United States, which is a major increase from 1990, when about 3.57 million Black married-couple families were in the U.S.
To celebrate the continuation of Black love, the annual holiday, Black Marriage Day (held every fourth Sunday in March) is taking place on Sunday, March 27.
Robert Warmack, Detroit-based counselor at L.E.C. Counseling (Love, Empathy & Compassion), said that Black couples and families have endured a lot all while recently carrying even more with the weight of COVID-19 added to the mix.
“Even prior to the pandemic there were some of our families and in our community having challenges with housing, employment and healthcare … going into the pandemic those things were exacerbated,” Warmack said, adding that some economic challenges leading to job loss and other aspects could impact relationships.
Elem-Vaughn said that she and her husband have overcome health challenges in the family and other things that could have torn couples apart – but they stayed together because they love each other.
“When it comes to Black love itself, we can’t give up on each other too fast … be willing to endure longer than some of the average people will do in society,” Elem-Vaughn said.
“All those things contribute to marriage and relationships,” Warmack told the Michigan Chronicle previously.
Warmack added that Black couples also encounter separately, or together, systemic racism on and off the job — another hurdle they get through and handle by encouraging each other.
“When you come home with all of the things you are dealing with, I am here to support you and love you because I know what you are dealing with,” he said. That is what Black couples want to hear from their partners, adding that being open with each other and vulnerable is important, too.
Elem-Vaughn said that Black love itself represents the family by standing in the face of adversity “no matter what it is.”
“It always comes along,” she said adding that she and her husband are traditional in some ways as the provider and protector of the family.
“That is the basic role I think handed down to most families,” she said adding that like other families her own has overcome (and is still going through) some health challenges and other things they handle as a unit. “The biggest thing is agreeing on how to handle decisions and learning when to let go of an argument. “
“There will be other times you make a decision, and it didn’t work out,” Elem-Vaughn said adding that to be the bigger person know that no one is always right or always wrong in a relationship.
“I hope they understand the perspective,” she said.
Her husband echoed some of her thoughts on melanated love.
“Black love to me is the spiritual bond that we as African Americans have amongst each other despite the challenges that we’ve endured and continue to face,” he said. “Respect, trust, commitment, flowing communication and of course Black Love are just a few things that have helped us to stand the test of time in our marriage.”
For more information go to www.leccounseling.org.
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