Artist Credit: Rich Griffis
by Robert H. Marshall Jr.
We gotta talk. Here’s the deal: we’ve been fed some straight-up lies, and I’ve been believing them for so long, I didn’t even realize it. For years, we’ve been told that resting is lazy, expressing our feelings is weak, saying “no” is selfish, and that setting boundaries isn’t what we do. The world tells us that our worth is tied to what we have, what we do and how much we give.
Our worth, identity, and masculinity are often tethered to performance metrics we never even agreed to. Being an “alpha male” is seen as carrying it all, like when we attempt to bring in all the groceries up in one trip.
After talking with seasoned brothers and reflecting on my own life, I’ve realized that many men hold onto things, people, and seasons far longer than we should—because of guilt or obligation. You feel me?
“Real power comes when you stop gripping what drains you and start reaching for what fuels you, letting go to reclaim your peace and make space for the life you deserve.” — Robert H. Marshall Jr.
The Lie of Strength: Breaking Free from Overload
From broken homes and toxic examples to coming up from the bottom, we’ve internalized a message that doesn’t need to be said out loud but is clearly understood—Black men are expected to be “hard” 24/7.
There is a cultural expectation that we have to be Black Panther, but we’re never allowed to JUST BE T’Challa, the man, the HUMAN BEING, navigating through the complexities of life just trying to hold himself and his family together… You’ve felt it, right? Always fighting for everybody else, but who’s helping you fight for yourself? Who’s guiding you through the internal dysfunction caused by traumas you can’t always put into words?
I’ve been there, running on fumes. And here’s the truth: the battles we fight for our families and careers aren’t as brutal as the wars going on inside us. I’ve battled depression, anger and the lies of society—and my own mind—kept feeding me. You feel like you’ve got to keep pushing because that’s what a “real man” does, right? Bro, if you’re not careful, “the grind” will grind you down.
Self-Care Tip: Prioritize Rest
I learned the hard way that rest isn’t a luxury; it’s a necessity.
Take five minutes every day to check in with yourself. Say “no” to the extra work or obligations that drain your energy. Whether it’s a quick nap or just stepping outside for some air, remember—rest isn’t weakness. It’s what makes you stronger for the next battle.
Let me give you some real talk. Black men are 30% more likely to die from heart disease than white men. We’re also at higher risk for strokes and diabetes, often linked to stress and lack of self-care. And get this—suicide rates among Black men have jumped 52% in the last two decades. That’s not weakness, bro—that’s burnout.
Stop Overthinking, Start Being Present
I still wrestle with this—lying awake at night, going over everything I didn’t do, should’ve done, or could’ve done. Sound familiar?
We overthink because we’re trying to control everything around us since we can’t control what’s going on inside us. Overthinking is often the voice of the little boy within, afraid because he’s used to not being protected, valued, or heard. It’s the mind’s way of guarding the heart that was never shielded. We try to control everything around us, hoping to create the safety we never felt. But all it does is hold us hostage, robbing us of our joy and peace.
Did you know that rest, particularly strategic naps, enhances cognitive function, improves memory, and boosts overall health? When we rest, we’re not just recovering physically—we’re recharging our brain, sharpening our focus, and allowing our bodies to reset.
What I’ve learned is that rest quiets the noise. It improves decision-making, creativity, and emotional resilience, giving you the energy you need to be present for the people and things that matter most.
When you rest, you’re not giving up the fight—you’re preparing for it. Joy, combined with rest, isn’t just some feel-good thing; it’s fuel. Research shows that regular rest can reduce stress hormones like cortisol, leaving you better equipped to handle life’s challenges with clarity and strength. Rest isn’t just a break—it’s a necessity for success and longevity.
Self-Care Tip: Practice Mindfulness
I started doing a simple breathing exercise daily to keep me grounded. Try this: inhale for four seconds, hold for four, exhale for six. Trust me, it works. Calm the noise before it drives you to a place you don’t want to go.
Expressing Authentic Feelings: The Power of Truth
I’ve heard it all before: “Man up, don’t let them see you sweat,” or “Real men don’t cry.” You know the drill. We’re told to keep our feelings bottled up, but let me tell you something I had to learn the hard way—holding it in only hurts us. Real strength isn’t about shutting down emotions; it’s about facing them head-on.
When we don’t express what we feel—whether it’s pain, frustration, sadness, or even joy—it starts to eat at us. You don’t have to fake a smile through the storm if that’s not where you are. I’ve learned that being honest with myself about how I feel is the first step to healing. You don’t need to hide it. Your feelings are real, and they matter.
Self-Care Tip: Be Real with Yourself
Start small—when someone asks how you are, give an honest answer instead of the default “I’m good.”
If you’re frustrated or tired, say it.
I used to think no one cared about how I felt, but being real with myself and others tore down the walls that kept me from getting the help I needed.
Boundaries: The Art of Protecting Your Peace
I used to think saying “no” made me weak. I thought I had to be everything to everybody—you probably do, too.
But here’s what changed my life: Saying “no” is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about keeping your peace in.
When you set boundaries, you’re reclaiming your time, energy, and mental space. I know it’s hard, especially when you’re used to being the one everyone depends on. But setting that boundary? It’s a game-changer.
Self-Care Tip: Set Boundaries
Here’s a simple step: ask yourself, “Does this protect my peace?” Start small. Say “no” to one thing this week—whether it’s an extra task at work or a social event that drains you. Use that time to pour into yourself: take a long shower, get a fresh haircut, meditate, pray, cook a meal, go to your favorite restaurant, hit the gym, play a game, watch a movie, or treat yourself to something new or go to a live sporting event. Remember, if you don’t fight for your peace, no one else will.
And remember, the only people who have a problem with your boundaries are the ones who don’t have standards for themselves. When you set boundaries, you’re not saying, ‘I don’t care about you.’ You’re saying, ‘I care about me too,’ while honoring your limits and showing people how to treat you.
You’ll be surprised at how much of a difference it makes.
Disconnecting to Reconnect: The Power of Unplugging
I had to learn how to turn off my phone and unplug from the noise.
The constant stream of notifications, demands, and distractions? It was robbing me of my peace. You don’t have to be available to everyone all the time.
In fact, the greatest gift you can give yourself is the ability to disconnect and reconnect with your own peace.
Self-Care Tip: Unplug Daily
Give yourself at least 30 minutes a day to unplug. Turn off your phone, step away from social media, and silence the noise. Meditate, take a walk, or just sit in the quiet. Trust me, these small moments will help you reconnect with what really matters.
Flex and choose freedom over the Cape.
Brothers, I know this all sounds good, but let’s be real—living like this isn’t easy. Peace, power, purpose—none of it is handed over. You have to fight for it, and sometimes you’ll have to fight twice as hard to keep it. But this fight? It’s worth every ounce. It’s about choosing rest over exhaustion, setting boundaries that protect your spirit, unplugging from the world’s noise, and reconnecting with true joy—the ultimate source of strength.
My godmother, the late Andrea Nevels, always said, “This joy that I have, the world didn’t give it, and I’ll be damned if I allow anyone to take it away.” That joy isn’t found in people, places, or things; it’s rooted in God and flows from within. It doesn’t come from conquests, substances, career titles, or awards. It comes from knowing who you are and resolving, deep within yourself, that you are enough.
Imagine waking up each day not with a weight pressing on your chest, but with a calm that says, “I’m ready.” What if, instead of being buried under exhaustion, you felt steady, grounded, and clear? These choices—rest, boundaries, joy—are about more than just surviving or existing another day. They’re about living with a freedom that’s rightfully ours—a freedom to live with strength, resilience, and depth, without sacrificing who we are. When we release the need to save, fix, and always be strong for everyone else, we’re no longer defining our worth by what we do or have. We’re living from a deeper, holier place because we see ourselves. We feel and hear the voice of the little boy inside who finally feels seen—heard, safe, and enough.
For too long, we’ve worn the superhero suit, believing we had to be the ones to save everyone else—because no one was there to save us. But here’s the truth: you don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders to prove your worth.
Bro, breathe; it’s time to let go of the superhero complex. When we take off the cape, we break free from the cycle of burnout, from the need to be needed, and from the drive to be seen as only strong. Bro, nobody is strong or hard all of the time. THAT’S ALL CAP. The world doesn’t need another hero breaking under pressure. It needs you—fully human, fully whole.
I long for the day I can look into the eyes of my children, my wife, or even myself in the mirror, knowing I have something left to give. Feeling like I’m not pouring from an empty, cracked-up cup, but from a full, whole one. Present—not just physically but emotionally—able to laugh, love, and listen without that deadly cocktail of unresolved childhood trauma, ADHD, fatigue, stress, and anxiety weighing down every move. These small acts of self-care don’t just give us relief; they offer renewal, a path to mental clarity, and ultimately, a longer, more fulfilled life.
And yes, this fight will have to be taken by force. Choosing to live authentically and fully, with depth and dignity, will show the next generation that our lives don’t have to be defined by struggle alone.
Brothers, this is our ultimate power. This is the real flex. Not just to survive, but to step boldly into wholeness, to fight for our freedom, and to thrive unapologetically. This is the legacy we’re building—a life where we are fully human, fully alive, and fully free. So stop waiting, stop hesitating, and stop asking for permission. In the words of the great Malcolm X, seize it—by any means necessary.
Robert H. Marshall Jr. (Photo Credit: Blake Martin).
Robert is one of the top empowerment and wellness empowerment speakers, and he’s on a mission to inspire 1 Million boys and men through his empowerment speaking. Robert’s journey to wholeness from bullying, fatherlessness, and sexual traumatic experiences make him the perfect advocate for boys and men looking to overcome adverse and traumatic experiences.
His story of academic challenges in school, fatherlessness, bullying, and sexual trauma, and low self-worth, is one that resonates with boys and men alike. Not only did Robert overcome the challenges of his past, but he eventually went on to graduate from an alternative High School on time, and then went to college and obtained multiple degrees in educational leadership. In addition to his educational success, Robert is also the author of six published books and is the successful owner of two companies.
You can reach Robert H. Marshall Jr. on social media via Facebook and Instagram.
This column originally appeared in The Chicago Defender.