by Damon Carr, For New Pittsburgh Courier
I’ve witnessed firsthand the struggle of single women being the woman and the man of the house. I’ve witnessed the stress women have endured and continue to endure multitasking, trying to be everything to everybody. It’s been my observation that women are strong and can shoulder a lot.
Imagine this, it was less than 100 years ago when women were given the right to vote. It was during World War I, which took place between 1914-1918 when employers started hiring women to work. This was due to a shortage of men. Although women were always allowed to do menial jobs for low pay, it wasn’t until 1964—less than 60 years ago during the passage of Title VII of the Civil Rights Act that states employers could not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, or national origin that women had legal rights to work. Title VII made it illegal for employers to exclude qualified women from any available position. Employers would often hire less-qualified men for positions to which women had applied.
Let’s fast forward to modern-day times. Women have come a long way. Today’s women are highly educated, extremely talented, ambitious, in high demand, thought-leaders, high-income earners, and hold positions of power and influence. While striving for success within their career, women continue to endure a lot striving to be everything to everybody.
For many women, they feel that winning within their career has created its own set of relationship challenges. I’m hearing that some men are intimidated, jealous, envious, insecure, and outright disrespectful when they encounter an independent, hard-working woman. This has resulted in some women downplaying their career in an effort to make him feel like the man. Many women who are doing well in their career are struggling at maintaining relationships.
I recently shared a meme on Facebook that read, “Money only impresses lazy girls. When a woman works hard, a man with money is a bonus, not a ladder to upgrade.” It generated a lot of reactions. There was one reaction that caught my attention. A male in his mid-40s chimed in and said, “I like my women dependent. At least I know her motivation.” He goes on to say, “More security with a dependent woman.”
Who loves and values you more, a needy woman looking for a man to upgrade her life and her lifestyle or an independent woman who chooses you because she wants you, not because she needs you?
Surely a needy woman would do any and everything within reason to maintain her standing within the relationship. If love is a fulfillment of duty and a needy woman is willing, able, and ready to fulfill his demands and needs at every beck and call —would that be sufficient to make him feel like the man? Does that provide the security he needs to know that she’ll stick around? Will her need for him cause devotion and loyalty to him? Will her need for him make her fall in love with him? Will her need for him make her feel whole?
Everyone wants to feel needed, wanted, and desired including those who are independent. No one wants to be used, misled, or feel unappreciated. When you project your own needs, insecurities, shortcomings and negative experiences on the other person, you’re doomed from the start. To seek out a person based on need overshadows the issue. Why are you needy? Is it because you’re lazy, low self-esteem, lack of self-control or you have no drive?
Those issues if left unchecked will be the reason a person will use you but never respect and honor you. If a person’s love and loyalty for you is need- based, they’re more apt to move on when the need no longer exists, when the provider is no longer able to provide, or when someone comes along who can do better and provide more. If the love ends when the benefit stops, there was never any love to begin with.
When she wants you but doesn’t need you, does that mean she’s really attracted to him? Is there a heightened possibility that she’ll love him for him not because of what he can do for her? Will she be harder to please and satisfy? Will she give his needs and wants proper attention? Will she be too tired and too overworked to consistently perform her womanly duties? Is she more likely to bail when things don’t go her way?
When you’re in position to provide for yourself, you give yourself options. You don’t have to settle because of need. You engage because of choice. When you’re ambitious and on your grind, and are working steadily towards your goals, you ooze with drive and confidence. There’s an external glow that follows you. There’s an aura about you. Your confidence is the real sexy! You will attract people to you. If your drive, ambition, and success scares and intimates him, he’s too insecure, he’s not ready for you. On to the next. The company you chose to keep was your choice. So, if there are issues with the company you chose, there are questions regarding your choosing.
To be wanted but not needed is an honor. There’s no hidden agenda. She wants you for you. And if you’re of her choosing, there’s clearly something about you that clicks. She’s desirous of a strong, hardworking man who’s able to make good decisions and help lead her down the right path. You’ve shown signs and characteristics that you’re fit for the task. Despite her being independent, she still wants a man who will protect, provide and lead. She’ll do all that the needy women would do and more. The difference is she’s there to assist as a helpmate. Should you fall from grace and land flat on your face, she’ll be there to help you get back on your feet.
Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. (Proverbs 31: 10-12)
(Damon Carr, Money Coach can be reached @ 412-216-1013 or visit his website @ www.damonmoneycoach.com)