We talk all the time about people wasting money on cars, clothes, vacations, eating out and other stuff they can’t afford. But there’s another type of overspending that rarely gets criticized because it looks noble from the outside: GIVING. Yep. You can actually give yourself broke.
Meet Terrence, 47, a city operations manager earning $94,000 a year.
Terrence has a big heart. Mama needs something? He handles it. Niece needs school clothes? Uncle T got it. Friends go out? He grabs the tab. Girlfriend casually mentions something she likes? Amazon package on the way.
Everybody calls Terrence generous. His bank account calls him something else: BROKE.
Terrence was spending roughly $1,100 every month helping, treating and gifting other people. Meanwhile, he had only $2,400 in emergency savings, carried $11,000 in credit-card debt and kept saying he couldn’t afford to increase his retirement contributions.
Hold up.
You can’t afford to save for yourself—but somehow you can afford everybody else?
That’s not just a money problem. That’s a boundary problem. And here’s the principle both the giver and the receiver need to understand:
EVERY GIFT IS A SACRIFICE.
Money doesn’t fall from the sky. You traded your time, energy, talent and labor to earn it.
That $100 you gave somebody could have gone toward your emergency fund.
That $250 birthday gift could have paid down your credit card.
That $500 you used helping somebody could have gone into your IRA, 401(k), investment account or savings.
Or maybe you simply could have used that money to do something nice for YOU.
Every dollar you give away represents something you chose not to do for yourself. That doesn’t mean the recipient should feel guilty. But they should understand and APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICE.
People sometimes look at someone earning decent money and say, “Oh, he can afford it.” Maybe he can. But that doesn’t make the gift free.
And let me broaden this conversation because gifts aren’t always about money.
Sometimes the gift is your TIME.
Sometimes it’s your TALENT.
Sometimes it’s your KNOWLEDGE.
Sometimes it’s your KNOW-HOW.
Maybe you spent three hours helping somebody move. Maybe you used your professional expertise to help them solve a problem without charging them. Maybe you made phone calls, connected them with somebody, fixed something, taught them something or spent your Saturday helping them get their situation together.
That’s a gift, too. Because while you were giving them your time, talent, knowledge and know-how, you could have been using those same resources for yourself.
That’s why gratitude matters.
But givers, hear me on this:
YOU HAVE TO SET THE BOUNDARY—BECAUSE THE RECIPIENT PROBABLY WON’T.
Why would they?
If every time they call, you send money, eventually calling you becomes part of their financial plan. If every emergency becomes your emergency, what incentive do they have to prepare for the next one? If you constantly rescue someone from the consequences of their financial decisions, you may think you’re helping them when you’re actually enabling them.
There’s a difference between giving someone a hand up and becoming their permanent ATM.
Givers and ATMs have something in common: Eventually they run out of money!
If you don’t establish boundaries, some people will keep making withdrawals until your account—financially, emotionally or physically—reads: INSUFFICIENT FUNDS.
That doesn’t necessarily make them bad people. You helped create the expectation by repeatedly saying yes. So, stop waiting for somebody else to protect your money. That’s YOUR job.
Sometimes excessive giving isn’t even about the recipient. Sometimes it’s about us.
We want to feel needed.
We don’t want anybody calling us cheap.
We’ve built our identity around being “the dependable one.”
For some men in particular, providing becomes tangled up with how we define ourselves. We think being a good man means always paying, always fixing, always rescuing and never saying, “I can’t do that.”
But you do not have to financially injure yourself to prove you love somebody.
Love doesn’t always require your debit card.
Sometimes the best gift isn’t paying somebody’s bill. Maybe it’s helping them build a budget so they can pay their own bills.
Instead of repeatedly giving them fish, maybe it’s time to teach them how to fish.
Help solve the problem instead of constantly financing the problem.
Terrence finally had to make a change. He created a $350 monthly generosity budget.
Once that money was gone? THE BANK OF TERRENCE WAS CLOSED!
No borrowing money to give money.
No dipping into emergency savings.
No putting somebody else’s emergency on his credit card.
No feeling guilty for saying:
“I can’t do that right now.” And guess what happened?
The world kept spinning. His family still loved him. His real friends were still his friends. The people who genuinely valued Terrence still valued him—even when his wallet wasn’t open.
That taught him something powerful:
Healthy generosity has boundaries. Your money already has responsibilities.
It has to keep a roof over your head.
It has to build your emergency reserve.
It has to eliminate your debt.
It has to fund your retirement.
It has to protect your household.
It has to finance your goals and create options for your future.
You cannot constantly put everybody else’s financial needs ahead of your own and then wonder why you’re not making progress.
Helping others is admirable. Financially neglecting yourself is not.
So yes—give. Bless people. Help people. Be generous.
Give your money when appropriate. Give your time. Give your talent. Give your knowledge. Give your know-how. But give on purpose. Budget your generosity. Establish limits. Learn to say no without writing a three-paragraph explanation. And most importantly, don’t become an enabler.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stop rescuing somebody long enough for them to learn how to rescue themselves.
Remember:
EVERY GIFT IS A SACRIFICE.
Recipients—appreciate the sacrifice.
Givers—protect yourself with boundaries.
Because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a BIG HEART. Just don’t let everybody keep making withdrawals until you’re left with an EMPTY BANK ACCOUNT.
Don’t go broke being everybody’s blessing.
(Damon Carr, Money Coach & Tax Pro can be reached at 412-216-1013. Be sure to follow me on Social Media)
Helping you flip your finances from stressed to blessed — one smart decision at a time.